I’ve been through enough by now to know that my life is likely going to be filled with lessons in love. It seems the plot to most of my stories involve men and lessons surrounding, yes you guessed it, matters of the heart! No matter how hard I try to avoid it, I somehow manage to get caught up in the spotlight with every man that I am required to learn, yet another, love lesson from. You see, love lessons are my thing this time, Earthside.
I’ve never been one to do things by halves. I’m incapable. I’m an all or nothing kind of girl. I guess it is this quality in me that has seen me in spots of bother on occasions. Equally, it has led me to some of the best moments of my life. I have always worn my heart on my sleeve, I am an open book, no secrets. With this 'go hard' or 'go home' approach I find myself experiencing extremes in that I love hard, feel deeply, break fully and regret nothing in true Cristina style!
I met Mr Unavailable, through a mutual friend. He was foreign, mysterious and funny. He loved a good laugh much the same as I did. He was the worldly type and super magnetic. An extravert yet quiet, this walking contradiction happened to tickle my fancy in the most incredible yet terrifying of ways. He just seemed to speak my language. We became friends. He made me laugh and he was also taken.
At first, it wasn’t so apparent to me that this was anything more than a friendship, I felt so incredibly comfortable with this person straight off the bat, I couldn’t even explain why. I found myself opening up to him and sharing really personal details about my life that I hadn’t shared with many people, after only knowing him for such a short period of time. It helped that he was a really good listener and patient with me. There was an instant connection. The energy between us was intense and the physical attraction even more intense. I was also in a relationship at the time and so the whole thing was out of bounds.
When in his presence I would feel a rush of energy pulsate through my entire body and when I caught his gaze, his eyes told me they liked what they saw. It was in all that was unsaid and unspoken; reading between the lines became my second language. The flirting was subtle, almost non-existent. I remember the time I bumped into him out in town. I rocked a gorgeous wide brimmed black hat with matte red lips. He took one look at me and his jaw dropped to the floor, it was like he was seeing me in his very own unique set of colours and everything turned to slow motion. I felt deeply desired, it was magic and I knew that in that moment I was all he could see. The chemistry between us required no words. And just like that, the Ping-Pong game of passion commenced its takeover. A few more months passed. Things intensified, it was almost an energetic relationship of its own, even though we had never even touched.
He shut it down, became distant. He limited his interactions with me and slowly there was no acknowledgement of me even existing anymore, he then pulled the plug on our friendship at lightening speed. This lasted months, I felt gutted. Honesty was missing for me here, I had no idea why I was exiled and being the big happy heart that I am, I was left hurting. During this friendship pause I came to realise a few important things. I had deep feelings for this guy that I could not explain and they surpassed just having intense ‘chemistry’. I also realised I should probably end the relationship I was in, as it wasn’t a good sign that I was with someone and had feelings for someone else. So I did. Mr Unavailable helped me see the cracks in that relationship, which I might not have seen had those feelings not been present.
One day I decided I had had enough of the stonewalling and confronted him about it. I missed him. His response was that it was complicated and fucked up and he could not explain any further. I pushed the issue enough that he agreed to patch the friendship and so it was. Except it wasn’t. We went back to being 'friends’ with an extremely complicated undercurrent of emotions that was too hard to decipher even for a seasoned intuitive like me.
After becoming single I let my mind take me away too many times with ‘what if’s’ and possibilities of a future with him that did not exist. I got invested, too invested, I allowed myself to fantasise about a life that would never be, sending my energy to something that was not real. This went on for far too long and caused me massive amounts of heartache.
It all came to a head one evening when we were hanging out together and we launched into a dreamy eyed stare off fuelled by intentions that were not going to end well... given his unavailability. My heart spoke to me clearly in that moment and I swiftly left his house. Both of us avoiding any wrongdoing. Ultimately I am glad I followed my intuition. The very next night I met Mr Right Now who would go onto become a very important person in my life. We did life together for the next few years. I found myself caught up in a new romance with Mr Right Now and I never got the chance to process the feelings of disappointment, sadness and pain from my time around Mr Unavailable.
The Universe has a funny way of allowing us to heal when we are ready and in doing so presents us with the opportunity to feel over and over again. I buried the unresolved feelings I had for Mr Unavailable so far deep inside me, hoping they would never see the light of day again.
Years later I bumped into Mr Unavailable in the street and he was now even more unavailable and married. We spoke briefly, he looked at me with those eyes. It triggered me. Something switched back on; it had been switched off the entire time I had been with Mr Right Now.
Even though it had been years, for me, it felt like no time had passed. We agreed to catch up over coffee. During our catch up I would look at him trying to find the buzz, but I couldn’t. I looked for the connection but it was gone. The story had ended and it left me feeling empty and sad....again. Right then I realised it had been a significant moment in my life and I actually hadn’t processed any of it. You see, when Mr Right Now arrived on the scene I got swept up in the tornado of new love and it distracted me long enough to forget about my feelings for Mr Unavailable.
The thing is, our unresolved wounds always find a way of catching up with us. And sure enough, when those buried feelings finally surfaced again it was epic. Holy cow! The floodgates opened and the release began on a grand scale! The evening of the catch up and days that followed were intense, much like the whole experience really. I felt a bit ridiculous that something that happened so long ago was having such a profound impact on me in that moment years later. I ended up letting go of the judgement and allowed myself to feel.
I remember driving home after the catch up with Mr Unavailable and not being able to find my wallet. I rang him and drove all the way back to the cafe to check if my wallet was there. Turns out it was in my car the entire time. As soon as I got out of the car we found it and it was almost comical how my heart took over, dictating to me: ‘Cristina it is time this situation got honest, right now in order to end this once and for all’. And so I got real and honest with him right then and there. I admitted the feelings that I once had for him and explained what that meant for me. I spoke my truth; I also said that I wanted him to know that I had gathered how he felt about me too and that it was ok. I expressed my gratitude to him for the important part he played in my life. Aagghh, Universe thank you for always allowing me the opportunity to heal.
That passive confrontation forced the situation into a new level of honesty. I allowed myself to be vulnerable and seen, I opened up my heart creating space for humility, truth and growth. His response was cold, I had expected it on some level; I always knew that I would never receive the validation from him that I wanted. I bared my soul and he said nothing. That day I ran towards the fear instead of running away from it and I am really proud of myself for facing the situation with such grace and gratitude. I cracked open, I cried, I got angry, I felt the sadness and I released it all. Sobbing on the bathroom floor was not a practice I had ever subscribed to but there I was and desperation was streaming down my face.
This love lesson didn’t break my heart. It shattered my heart, into a million pieces. It left me no option but to surrender and begin to examine everything that had been buried for so long. I realised he was merely an opportunity for me to heal my worthiness wounds. I now understand that it had to be major or I would have kept on ignoring it and it would have remained buried.
Even though I was sort of left scratching my head a little with this one, confused with what exactly had happened. Was it all in my head? Was it real? Did I imagine the whole thing? Was he just my light bulb moment? My catalyst for change? Truth is, it doesn't matter. I was able to face my buried feelings and examine exactly what it was in me that needed to be healed.
Surrendering to the lesson is half the battle, having the willingness to travel to the depths of our heart and look at the darkness inside is the other. When we do it though, we allow room to know ourselves better, bringing us closer to our true essence and knowing who we really are, beings capable of unconditional love.
Gratitude to you Mr Unavailable. Thank you for teaching me that I am worth so much more than second best, that I am worthy of being chosen in love and for reminding me that I am a strong and powerful woman!
Living life with no regrets, fiercely and loving deeply is my norm. I know no other way. I'm all in and I LOVE IT!
I declare I am 100% committed to claiming my birthright to choose & be chosen in love. I am unconditional love.