Recently my relationship to the father of my son met its end. We were together for three years, and for those of you that are familiar with my story you will know that I find myself doing grieving, sadness and disappointment yet again so soon after having done it not that long ago with my ex husband. Ouch! Yep, it’s always painful. You can imagine at first I was not thrilled at the fact that I am ‘doing heartache’ again, I mean for effs sake can I get a breather! When we broke up I must admit I bought a ticket to my very own self-pity party, for REALS! It also didn’t help that I had to deal with comments like ‘oh, you’ll be right, you should be used to this by now’. Oh no you didn’t, they soooo did! Pfft.
Obviously there are reasons the relationship ended, suffice to say it wasn’t working, I tried, we both did and we gave it a red-hot go! We were like fireworks but unfortunately like with all real fireworks afterwards you are always left with only ash.
Now, where was I? So, at first I went straight into ‘why is this happening to me?’ (Said in the most whiny tone possible) but after a few good deep sessions with my amazing kinesiologist, aka my energy ninja, I was able to shift into AHA! This is happening for me not to me and there has to be some good solid lessons in all of this. I came to understand that the relationship gave me the opportunity for the growth I needed. My ex ended up being my mirror, as is the case with many romantic relationships. A lot of the things I found irritating, overwhelming and disappointing in him I actually needed to address within myself and I am grateful to him for being my teacher and also for giving me a son whom I adore.
Right - so this is what I know, my ex and I are both good people and we love our son immensely. We both acknowledge that at times we have failed to live up to the integrity test. We are humans after all, stuff went down that was at times hard to swallow. So we forgive, let go, release the pain and move forward.
So I found myself there yet again, in heartache. But this time I’m a little wiser and more connected to my heart than ever before. Nothing takes that pain away though! I still wasn't exempt from the heartache. I accept that suffering and pain are part of life; these days I almost embrace it, almost! I embrace it with the inner knowing that growth is just around the corner. Let's face it we need it, it can be our greatest teacher, and it helps us learn from the lows so we can celebrate the highs.
On the bright side, I am happy to report I am doing well and my ex and I are working together to support and co-parent our son.
I am starting to think I may be becoming the ambassador for amicable breakups, I guess there are worse titles out there so I’m cool.
Five tips on how I weathered the breakup storm:
Accept It Has Happened
Acceptance – it can be hell uncomfortable, but so necessary. You can do this by journaling, meditating, crying it out or talking to loved ones about what has happened and how you are feeling. It is also important to not entertain gossip or blaming of the other person even if it is tempting. This initial decompression phase is really important and helps us comes to terms with what has happened. What helped me was getting still and supporting myself with kind self-talk like, ‘I accept this happened for me’, ‘I am grateful for the time we spent together’ and ‘I accept our relationship has naturally concluded and its OK’.
Feel To Heal
You know that old saying ‘you gotta feel to heal’? Well it is spot on! There is absolutely no point trying to numb feelings. It gets you nowhere and is a massive time waster. As tempting as it is and as much as we may want to shy away from feeling like shit and being uncomfortable with our own feelings, it is important to take the time to feel everything. So, when we catch ourselves wanting to indulge in brain numbing TV, overeating, drinking in excess, gossiping or any other form of distraction, it’s a sign to put the breaks on.
Its also important to remember that numbing is different from ‘doing joy’. Numbing is a distraction as a means of not wanting to feel, and doing joy is simply doing things that bring you fulfilment, feel the difference by checking your intentions. Also, when stuff comes up remember to feel it and let it go, there is no need to hold on to it, RELEASING is key here. Energetically sending it on its merry way is a great way to release, cord cutting is also perfect for this, another awesome way is to detox energetically, you can check out my Heart Detox guided audio here.
Take Time Out
Put the breaks on, especially in the beginning. We have a tendency to keep pressing on with life or even jam packing our diaries with ‘things to do’ in order to keep busy in this time. It is important to take the necessary time to be with yourself and process the change. Being kind to you is equally as important. Make sure you resist the urge to judge yourself for how much or little time it is taking to deal with the break up. There is never a one-size fits all when it comes to matters of the heart.
Surround Yourself with Family and Friends that Love You
Family and close friends are awesome at keeping us grounded. The energy of loved ones is so good for us when going through periods of change. They can also help remind us that life goes on and sometimes a little distraction is good for a breather from all the heavy. Also, our fam are really good at knowing us and knowing when we might need a bit of uplifting or a little push when things have been dark for too long. They seem to know just when the right time is to pull open the curtains and windows to let the light back in and a bit of fresh air, this can really help to bring you out of your funk.
Do the things you love, move your body, nourish well, ramp up the self-care. Energy work is an awesome one for this too. When you feel ready, do joy and lots of it! It is by far the best way to get back on track. When we let a bit of happiness back in, we are reminded that we had life and happiness before our heartbreak and we will have it again after too!
Luckily, I now feel really different to when we ended. I energetically give my ex a high five and send him gratitude for being my teacher. I walk away a little more experienced and with a heart more open than it was three short years ago. Most relationship experiences are given to us as an opportunity for growth, so I crack open once more take my lesson and wave good bye to heartache, until next time….......... I hope not!
I choose to see the opportunity for growth and expansion in everything that life offers me.