Thanks 2017! KO'd And Crying In The Corner


The year of promise, rebirths and new beginnings. 

2017 carried fresh new energy that so many of us longed for after having only just survived the annihilation that was 2016.  On New Year's Eve right before welcoming 2017 with open arms, I took a deep breath, said a gratitude prayer and wrote my list of intentions for the promising year ahead.  I welcomed in the New Year from my slumber, as I didn't make it to midnight, given I was recovering from major surgery, post-surgery complications and then further corrective surgery, I was exhausted - fair! 

On the afternoon of new years day, while sitting on the beach enjoying family time I started to feel odd, panic set in and pain in my chest shortly followed.  I found myself at Batemans Bay emergency unit for the next three days, followed by more stints at a Canberra hospital. Not the best start to the year, but I had my mantra on repeat, and nothing was going to get me down. The 1st of the 1st 2017 had failed to launch, but my #lifegoals game was strong. I mean what else could go wrong? 2016 chewed me up and spat me out relentlessly, if I could survive that and live to tell the tale then 2017 was going be a stroll on the beach…..little did I know.

Ok, so, I’ve always considered myself spiritually aware, enlightened if you will. Growing up in a home where mediation was a daily non-negotiable and dinner conversations were usually wackier than the latest episode of The X Files, I was born into ‘awake’. Spirituality was just as natural as breathing in my household; it was second nature that was not learned, rather inherited. From a very young age, I knew I was different to other kids, I knew things I shouldn't or even couldn't have known. Having grown up this way had its benefits; it also had its challenges. Even though I knew I had ‘sight’ from a very young age and for the most part, I never found this a bad thing there were some things my young mind found hard to understand. It was at times, confronting. I was so young and inexperienced in the realms of spirituality. So I decided to get educated, I read a lot of books; I spoke at length with family and friends about my experiences and asked questions, lots of questions. It is fair to say I ended up knowing more about spirituality and the afterlife than I did about primary school English and math, my parents probably should have considered enrolling me in the spiritual equivalent of Hogwarts in the late 80’s. 

When I reached my 20’s the cray-cray really picked up speed, up until that point I was oblivious to the depths of my life journey this time around and had only ever scratched the surface. So, to be as fully prepared and open to embrace the realms of spirituality I enrolled in every course I could. I started meeting people like me, or that shared the same views about spirituality like me. I had heard the term spiritual awakening but never made much of it, as I firmly believed you couldn't possibly wake up to something you were born living? Right? 

I have always considered myself the sensitive/tough powerhouse that can survive anything; I used to think I was particularly triumphant for having gone through the hard shit. After all the crap I've gone through like divorce, depression, massive weight challenges, serious health issues, hectic love lessons and long bouts of extreme sadness, I solidly understood that no matter how hard life ever got I would weather the storm and be fine.  How wrong I was. Nothing could have prepared me for the shit storm a certain fierce goddess, that goes by the name of Kali, had in store for me this year.  'How bad could it be?', I exclaimed to myself laughing off the whole idea there could be any more ‘doing away’ with the old after 2016. Well as I would soon come to find out, with the epic culling that lay ahead, a whole lot worse! 


As I was saying, January 2017 saw me dealing with major post-surgery complications, which left me sitting in darkness, pain and a total shit heap for way too long. This experience made me realise I was no more exempt from the clutches of spiritual awakening as I was from being a taxpayer. After having survived what was likely the most challenging period of my life, health-wise, I took a deep breath and decided that up was the only option. You see, at the end of 2016, I was pushed so far past the breaking point, as a result of the massive amounts of physical pain I was in, that my surrounds were no longer recognisable to me (probably due to the hectic amount of pain meds I was on). A scenario I regarded so foreign and inconceivable I could not have even dreamed it up in my worst nightmares. This year, however, I became undone, demolished if you will, forced to start over in almost every aspect of my life.

Ok, so the first six months of 2017 brought me one hit after another and although the second half of the year not quite as ruthless still scarring none the less. This year ended up being about, serious health issues that thank god were found in time as they could have ended me right then and there and almost did. The end of a long-term relationship and loads more heartbreak. News of the passing of an old mate who was only 33! The unfortunate victim of the reckless nightmare that was the Bourke Street tragedy in Melbourne in January. My best mate, at the time, deciding she had had enough, ending our friendship for no real significant reason throwing ten years of solid BFFness in the bin via text. Again another house move (fifth in a few years - painful!!!). My folks officially announcing their divorce and lastly having the realisation I no longer ‘fit’ my day job and jumping ship with no real plan B in place asides from a whole lot of hopefulness. To say it has been an awful year doesn't cut it, not only the health issues to heal from, but emotional wounds to process and a total logistical nightmare! There have been enormous amounts of untangling from drama and massive amounts of unfucking my life as it stood – thanks, Kali! Oh, and did I mention I found out recently my internal lady bits don't function proper, so I am lined up for a hysterectomy soon too! Fucking yay!  

I am almost at the finish line, and despite all the stuff that has happened this year, my heart is so grateful! Grateful for my family and friends that have carried me through this year in moments that I couldn’t stand for myself. Grateful to my kids that keep me grounded. Grateful to still be alive after my near miss brush with death. Grateful to all the new faces that have entered my life that I now consider close friends. Grateful for having known my mate, she was an incredibly beautiful soul who was taken too soon, RIP Bhav. Grateful to all the gorgeous ones (guys this shout-out is for you) that agreed to come in and help this wild heart out with all her love lessons, I appreciate you all! Grateful that I am still here and living!!!!

2017 was as close to a spiritual awakening as I am going to get. Having just survived the storm of darkness that was this year, I take a deep breath, set my intentions for 2018, fill my heart up again with hope, look up to the skies hopeful for that shooting star and hi-five the universe, I’m still here, no longer broken, wounded or defeated. Just full of love, hope and passion!

When it feels like the end, it’s only just the beginning, keep the faith!