A big part of untaming my wild heart has themed around my personal beliefs on ‘worthiness’ and ‘enoughness’ regarding myself. I used to hold on tightly to unforgiving narratives about not feeling enough or worthy of anything good in life. I not only believed this wholeheartedly but it was engraved so deeply in my subconscious that I ended up short changing myself for most of my adult life.
As it turns out though, after years and years of battling the unworthy and not enough monsters I had living within, I would require some help to get across the finish line. That help just so happened to show up in the form of a highly attractive youngster (ten years my junior, almost to the day) with way too much confidence, that boasted a competitive nature topped only by the arrogant attitude he wears this lifetime.
When this fella waved at me, it took me by surprise. It had been a while since we had been peoples. I had moved on from the circle we had both been a part of. Because he was significantly younger than me, we were never really on the same page let alone reading from the same book. Our paths didn't often cross asides from the rare random catch up. It was utterly surprising to me that I had made it into his headspace at all, let alone as a romantic prospect.
Admittedly, I did enjoy his company, and he would make me laugh with his funny and juvenile ways of viewing life and the world. I enjoyed his young energy, as I am an eternal ‘young at heart’ kind of girl. I remember back when we were in each other’s lives, I thought he was cute and over time ‘cuteness’ developed into a full-blown crush, short-lived but hectic all the same. More than anything else, I think what attracted me to him was the fact that I got to know him for him first. The real him, not for the front he puts up to protect his heart or for the arrogance he uses as a shield to avoid real intimacy or even for his Calvin Klein model looks. He is a guy that values family, friends and community over anything else and with his inked pride he makes it known. He is generous and loving with those he holds close. It is this trait in him I probably find the most attractive. He is also a very patient man in love and relationships, which I admire. Over time, I got to hear many stories about exes he gave way too many chances to by overcompensating for their shortcomings and going above and beyond for girls who probably didn't deserve it. But when pushed too far, the babyface cuts deep, sharp and permanently. The heart of gold that he hides underneath all his armour probably his most attractive feature, even if his soul piercing eyes are enough to set your panties on fire.
When he came knocking, he was the last person on the planet I expected to hear from, and the aftermath of our encounter left me with grazed knees needing to get up, dust myself off and get back to processing and healing the wounds I was so desperately shying away from. Which I had successfully been avoiding until this babe turned up unannounced.
Despite the massive age gap, he and I would appear to be more similar than I had initially realised. We both ended up seeking out superficial encounters as a means of protection, our hearts guarded, needing the reminder that it is ok to love, and it is ok to drop the walls sometimes as well as the proud. It is always the case that our internal state is reflected back to us in the outer world of life. The funny thing was even during the experience I knew we couldn't possibly be compatible, even for sexy love interactions regardless of how ‘into’ him I was. The youngster ended up putting a stop to any further interactions, which sent me into a full-scale Latina meltdown. You know the type, zero to ten cray in five seconds flat. My reaction to his shut down was an epic telling off via text. My ego got bruised but in all honesty, he didn't deserve my dressing down. It was all about me not him. I jumped to ten thousand conclusions probably none of which were accurate. What became clear to me is that we all have the right to change our mind, we are human and fluid. I know I exercise my right to change mine almost every day, even on the big stuff.
Ok, so a couple of important things bubbled up to the surface for me through this experience. I realised I was seeking validation from someone else instead of myself….AGAIN! (shit! I thought I had dealt with that one). I soon realised the nature of our interaction left me feeling ‘not enough’. Also, I found it triggering that as soon as I articulated what I wanted the youngin freaked out and threw a tantrum pulling the pin on the whole thing. His actions made me feel like I wasn't worthy of getting what I wanted. I always find it amusing how we energetically attract all the experiences we need to be taken right back to the place we need to sit and wade around in the shittiness to heal. I was forced to feel into my wounds deeply, and begin the eternally awkward process of letting go and healing.
The wound clearing that followed was uncomfortable as hell, but when are lessons of love or life ever comfortable? As it turns out, our very brief, highly passionate and energetic encounter was just what I needed to help me wave goodbye to my deeply rooted worthiness and enoughness hang-ups. My ego would like me to say I wasn't too affected by this experience, but, a more realistic description of the course of events would be, he dangled a cherry right in front of my face, with eyes closed I took a bite, liked it (most surprising to me), realised I liked it, opened my eyes only to find that he had set fire to the entire cherry plantation burning all remaining trees to the ground, leaving me head to toe covered in dust and ash.
I am not ashamed to admit that the bearded beauty momentarily got me undone. And it was this point exactly that made me question why I cared so much? I had not given them a second thought until they contacted me, so why was I reacting so strongly? More so why was I reacting at all!!??? Simple, it is never about ‘them’ and always about ‘us’.
This experience gave me the opportunity to sort through the pile of emotional laundry I had stacked up sky high waiting to be folded away, you know, the one you just leave and leave and never quite get around to putting away. The win and then subsequent rejection this individual forced me to feel raised old beliefs that I was still holding onto about myself; it became obvious that the interaction was necessary for me to stare ‘not enoughness’ and 'unworthiness' dead in the face, drop it off in town, kiss it goodnight and wave goodbye. Nothing quite like the fresh new energy of a new year to light a fire in your ass as motivation to sort the old! I meditated, went within, felt, processed and healed. Emotionally it was a biggie for me!
Ok, so, no hearts were broken, but I must admit it stung a little, like the sharp bite of the angry rainbow serpent. The wild child got his fun, and I amped up my #lovelessons game!
Kudos kid, thank you for dumping me straight back into my wounded heart. Impressive! I never even saw it coming, and it was just what I needed! You did me a solid, a massive high five to you babe. I bow down to your 24-year-old self, surprised and grateful at the same time. Thanks for showing up right when I needed a tribute! Life is looking pretty damn good for me right now!
I am, and have always been more than ENOUGH!
Only love xx