I’ve been quiet lately, silent in fact. I have been dealing with things; processing, shifting, growing and changing. It has been a hard slog and with each step I took I could feel the fog closing in on me. But that’s clearing now – and I am grateful. So, without going too deeply into the muck, I will fill you in on the basics.
Since coming out into the world with my book, website and ‘space’ on social media, I have been triggered in some major ways. I thought this process would be easy for me as I have always been the type of person that isn’t afraid to speak up and I’ve always felt comfortable enough to say what I am thinking. It’s not only other people that say I have a larger than life personality; I really believe I do, and this generally sideswipes things that would leave other people cowering. When I say I’m unafraid, I really do mean it. I have taken leaps of faith that have uprooted my entire life – I’ve changed up shopping sprees in major cities for village life Fiji. I have, in an instant, booked flights across the ocean that had me leaving wherever I was in a matter of hours. I have taken job offers on a whim because it felt right and have equally walked off the job during my lunch break without notice because it was just so wrong to continue doing ‘wrong,’ even for another hour; never even giving a second thought to whether I would be ok, if things would or wouldn’t work out, or if it was considered the right thing to do.
I have always followed my heart. No matter how crazy, I know, deep at my core, that no matter what is happening in my life my heart will NEVER lead me astray.
So, what happened then? Why did I end up in that bloody fog again? Trust me, I was left puzzled too! But you know what? It was plain and simple – it was resistance. I literally went into shut down; I froze, I was paralyzed. Something came over me and I retreated. Admittedly, I was facing some personal challenges; moving home, the launch of my partner’s business, health issues, life! I literally slammed the brakes on all social media, blogging, and anything book related. And it took me by surprise. My heart needed me to go within, and when I realised that, I did it without question as it always knows best.
What my heart had to say was, like many of us, I was facing massive resistance around being seen. I didn’t think I was ready. All these old boxes of crap I had neatly packed, taped, and left in storage were starting to surface. I would unpack one and another one would show up. It was all my old limiting beliefs, old ways of thinking that no longer served me - there were even a few boxes in there relating to other people’s fear! Turns out, I was keeping those for a rainy day, just in case I didn’t have enough of my own fear to contend with!
Even though I knew all this, for a time I still remained in overwhelm. I was disappointed. I had worked so hard leading up to the launch of my new venture and had spent big time and money on my website and book. I was beginning to feel like a failure, but every time I tried to get back online or work on a blog post or upload to social media I felt a pull, a pull away from the work. So instead of beginning a relentless game of tug-o-war (that I knew I wouldn’t win, not even by force) I gave up. I let the resistance consume me. I let it take me over. I had to. Fighting it wasn’t giving me any results.
Again I had found myself in that fog, resisting my own method, the power to insight that I knew I had deep inside me. But eventually, I became fed up enough that I remembered what would help and I naturally I went back to Heart Conversations. I realised that because my life had become so hectic again I had forgotten to hand the microphone over to my heart. The busyness of life had me operating solely out of my brain space. And although I am grateful for the logic and the way I am able to multitask life with kids, businesses, a partner, a Latino family, and myself, it became unsustainable to remain in this space. And my body, heart and soul kept reminding me. I fell into the old traps of running stories in my head that served me only to stay put, stuck, and not in the flow.
As soon as I tuned back in to me it all came at me with such force, and not in a bad way, there was such light and hope. Luckily, Heart Conversations are kind of like riding a bike, you never forget. You get on, start to peddle and just like that, there’s that old familiar, soothing sound, your heart. Mine spoke clearly, and she had lots to say. But as always, she was patient, gentle, and calm. There was no rush. Even though I always seem to be in a rush, I try not to be too hard on myself about it. It sometimes feels hard not to be in a rush these days.
I was able to move through the various blocks and the massive resistance by remembering that I am actually never too busy to check in, to have deep and meaningful Heart Conversations with myself. And with this realisation came the intense instruction to up the ante on my self-care. Sometimes, as women with so many things on our plates, we forget, we forget we exist and need looking after because we are so busy existing for everyone else.
So, needless to say I am now getting pretty good at ‘self-caring’ for myself. I am listening intently to my heart’s voice and following her advice. And you know what – even after all that’s gone on, it is stronger than ever.
I have come out of the fog yet again and these experiences have given me a new vantage point and have helped me see that perhaps the fog never permanently clears. It rolls in every time I am not in the flow and it reminds me that I am off course, not on the right track. I can now be grateful for the fog, as it is my stop sign and recognising it as such has allowed me to take stock and continue moving in the right direction.
As is predictable with the shit-storm I weathered, I received some very major revelations and insight into my next moves with cristinasanmartin.com and with my books. I have received strong guidance on how I can better serve and play my part in this life with the highest integrity and love and how I can continue to spread the message that we all have within us:
Love is the answer to everything we seek and that everything beyond this 3D world we live in is love. It is actually the only thing that exists.
So, are you in the thick of it... again? Or are you through the fog and out the other side? Is your heart calling? Have you been putting off picking up the phone? If so, my guess is that a conversation is well overdue.
To all my big hearts out there - listen with love!